Why You Just Can't Sell Evolution to Some People

Evolution is a tricky thing to sell to some people. For them, the concept of evolution flies in the face of the things they hold most dear in the same way that human cloning, gay marriage, and the designated hitter rule does. And I would say that for most of us, our beliefs are more tightly held than whatever the facts may be.

In fact, the strongest argument against the idea of simple, non-living matter organizing into a living thing and adapting over generations into an immensely diverse biosphere dominated by intelligent beings is that so many of these intelligent beings are unwilling to accept the facts at hand. It also doesn't help that so many evolutionists are condescending, dismissive, and prone to send mixed messages by using words like "developed," "designed," and "adapted" in ways that personify the actions described, making them sound like the works of a creator.

I am a believer, and for me the absence of the Creator from the theory of evolution doesn't bother me. It doesn't mean a creator wasn't involved, just that His involvement isn't necessary to explain evolution. Scientists would tell you that because of this Occam's razor¹ suggests that there isn't a creator. However, Occam's razor judges ideas not by the merit of their arguments but by the necessity of their assumptions. Occam's razor then can negate itself because it too is an assumption. More simply: one doesn't need a creator to explain why the sum of one and two is three, but that doesn't mean that one plus two equal something else; and, the fact that their sum does equal three doesn't mean you should assume that there is no creator. Furthermore, all science is tentative, so supporters of creation should relax. Not only does evolution NOT require the non-existance of God or His works, the scientific understanding is likely to "evolve" again. Any argument against it will need to evolve too, and I certainly don't believe that eternal truths evolve.

However, I appear to be in the minority. It seems to me most people have chosen a camp and closed their mind to the plausibilities of the other side. Mostly people emulate the newly-converted Darth Vader when he says: "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy." What we need is an Obi-Wan Kenobi to remind us all that "only a sith deals in absolutes."²

1 Wikipedia explains Occam's razor better than I could.

2 Which itself is an absolute, but don't get me started. However, I think his most profound advice also applies: "Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

Why You Just Can't Sell Global Warming to Some People

The problem with fixing climate change lies in the marketing. Telling the skeptics that the apocalypse is coming and it's all their fault is going to be a fruitless tactic. You'd never buy a car if the salesman said, "You really need this Volvo, you cellphone-texting, makeup-applying, Kindle-reading, breakfast-eating, finger-gesturing, spilled-your-open-container-all-over-your-unbelted-toddler-in-your-lap moron. We both know you're going to wrap this car around a busload of orphans, but with this car you'll probably live to do it again." Oddly enough, people don't like being told that they are irresponsible and stupid.

Instead, one should appeal to our sense of triumph over adversity. Humans have settled the globe, tamed the wild, discovered knowledge and technology, defeated the Nazis, put men on the freakin' Moon and invented seedless watermelon. Forget the blame game and just pitch the climate change problem as the next great human challenge to overcome. Then, not only will we solve the problem, but a bunch of white guys will get rich doing it.

What they didn't teach you in Sunday school

The first day: God creates the Earth and saith, "It is good."

Second day: God creates trees, plants and pretty flowers and saith, "It is good."

Third day: God creates the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and creepy-crawly things and saith, "It is good."

Fourth day: God creates Man and saith, "It is good, but it is not good that Man should be alone." Therefore God creates Woman and saith, "It is good."

Fifth day: God creates the house, that Man and Woman can get away from the plants, the trees, the birds, the beasts, and the creepy-crawly things. He sees that the house has four bedrooms, three baths, a two-car garage, closet space of every kind and a refrigerator with that ice cube thingy in the door and saith: "It is good."

Sixth day: Woman asks God, "Is it good for our walls to be bare?" And God lays drop cloths, tapes around windows and trim, primes, paints, paints a second coat, and touches up all the little mistakes He made along the way and saith: "Forget this! I'm taking tomorrow off!"

Semi-useless Information Part 2 (Proverbial Sagacity)

In my quest to sum up the wisdom of my many years, I've been thinking about some well-known proverbs and the deeper meanings behind them. So, what follows are ageless pearls of wisdom elaborated upon by my aging intellect.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...

• and a bird in a bucket is the value of them all.

A rising tide lifts all boats...

• which is bad news if you are a submarine.

A word to the wise is enough...

• and a word to the foolish is futile.

An army marches on its stomach...

• but they'd probably stand up if you'd stop shooting at them.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...

• so if you use the metric system you're out of luck either way.

Any publicity is good publicity...

• unless you're a spy or in the Witness Protection Program.


• which explains Britney Spears.

Behind every great man there is a great woman...

• going, “nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.”


• with a list of chores to do around the house.


• telling him what he's doing wrong.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you...

• unless that hand hits you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, then it's fair game.


• unless it's covered in barbecue sauce—I mean, what did they expect?

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die...

• but just in case, put it on your friend's tab.

Faith will move mountains...

• to move anything else, call your brother-in-law.

Hindsight is 20/20...

• which is why I always drive in reverse.

If life gives you lemons...

• ask for a gift receipt.

It goes without saying...

• so shut your yap!

Life's not all beer and Skittles®...

• and that's why I'm so sad.

Lightening never strikes twice in the same place...

• which is also a characteristic of good baseball pitchers and poor bowlers.


• so the safest place to stand in a storm is on the corpse of someone who was struck.

Marriages are made in heaven...

• and heaven is lit with tons of neon and full of Elvis impersonators, blackjack dealers and strippers.

Nature abhors a vacuum...

• as do pets and babies.


• and that's why it's covered in dirt.

No man can serve two masters...

• because polygamy is illegal.

The best things in life are free...

• because a free plasma screen is better than one you have to pay for.

The early bird gets the worm...

• so it pays to sleep in if you're the worm.


• but unless that bird comes with a side of coleslaw, I don't care.

There's no such thing as a free lunch...

• but in Vegas one can be had for 99 cents!

There's safety in numbers...

• which is why you never see decimal points in the obituaries.

Time is a great healer & time is money...

• so money is a great healer.

Two heads are better than one...

• say Siamese twins.

Two wrongs don't make a right...

• but three lefts do!

Where there's a will there's a way...

• and a crowd of would-be heirs.

Work expands so as to fill the time available...

• so rush through your work and go home early.

You are what you eat...

• especially if you're a cannibal.


• so eat a millionaire.

Use Your Hat Racks! Part 2 (Human Spambots)

[This is in no way a new phenomenon, but it happened at work today, so I'm going to gripe about it.]

When I came back from lunch today I opened Outlook to check my email. While I was away enjoying my Coke Zero® and Twix® (everyone knows that Wheaties® is the "breakfast of champions™," but few know that Coke Zero® and Twix® is the lunch of the runners-up) my inbox was overflowing with emails. I'm used to opening my decade-old Yahoo! account and finding it overrun with digital crap, but my work email is usually quite quiet. Our department only has four people, so I'm lucky if I get four emails a day. Something was up.

Someone in some far-off department accidentally sent an email to the wrong user group. A very large user group of which I am apparently a member. No sweat, that happens. However, it was followed by dozens of emails of two types. The first and most numerous type was the message that said, "What is this? This was sent to me by mistake. Please take me off the mailing list." The other, slightly smaller group's messages said, "Stop replying to all, people!" so, it seems the world is asking for yet another condescending lecture from yours truly.

Just about anyone who has used email knows that it is really easy to reply to a message. No mater how you access your email (through a client like Outlook, on the web like Gmail, with your fancy phone with apps, etc.) there is a button or menu—usually near the top of the window—for replying. In fact, it usually says "Reply." Just click on that and the email you compose will be addressed to the original sender, with the subject line filled in. Depending on your settings, the body of the email will either be blank or contain the original message at the bottom, indented or something like that. You add your comment and click on "Send" and you have successfully replied to the original sender. For long conversations, this can may be repeated several times, resulting in some long emails (a topic for another day) and a nice long thread of comments.

If you are conversing with just one person in this manner, it does not matter if you use "Reply" or the button that is usually right next to it: "Reply to All." When you are only conversing with one person both buttons will do the same thing. When someone sends an email to a group of people (a contact list, for example) the two buttons still serve the same function, but have drastically different consequences. If you "reply to all" then you are not just replying to the sender. You are also sending a copy to EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS RECEIVED THE EMAIL. If this happens once, big deal. Everyone has one extra email to read and delete. Big whoop. But the Repliers-to-All run in packs. So, this process gets repeated. Now the not only are we all getting the reply, we are getting the replies of EVERYONE who got the replies and, usually, EVERYONE who responded to such replies. The number of replies bouncing around grows exponentially. And all those replies end up in EVERYONE'S inbox.

As if this weren't bad enough, it gets worse. There are people smart enough to know not to use the "Reply to All" button, yet they are still receiving this ever-growing mass of emails because they were on the original contact list. Some of these people—in a well-intentioned attempt to stop the madness—start replying with the message, "Do not reply to all." And how to they reply? By replying to all because that is the only way to reach all of the Repliers-to-All. This is like adding wood to the fire. Now, people start replying to the "don't reply to all" emails in the same manner as the first email, and the madness spreads even further.

So, it comes down to this. The "Reply to All" button is EVIL. Let me repeat that: it is EVIL, like Hitler, Emmanuel Lewis and the CW. DO NOT USE IT. Pretend it isn't there. It's not the same as "Reply." Forget you ever knew about "Reply to All." Yes, there are legitimate uses for "Reply to All," but most people never encounter them.

When it becomes obvious that the "Reply to All" disease is spreading, don't intervene. However well meaning you may be, you are just going to add to the problem. Delete the offending emails, shake your head in disgust, and rest assured in your technological superiority.

If you are one of the many faceless software developers who produce email products, remove "Reply to All" from the default list. Bury it in menus and sub-menus. I know that as a major software producer that you must be evil by nature, but give us a break here. The same goes to the IT guys. When you set up workstations, configure Outlook or whatever email program your company uses to hide the "Reply to All" button. Trust me, your network will thank you for it.

Most important of all, people need to THINK before replying to an email. Use your hat racks, people! Make sure you use "Reply to All" responsibly, like alcohol or Spandex®. I propose that all the Repliers-to-All have their email accounts closed, their internet privileges revoked, and be forced to watch Baby Einstein® videos in the hopes that doing so will smarten them up a bit.

And so ends another all-too-wordy diatribe. DO NOT forward this to everyone in your contact list. That would defeat the purpose.

[Update: I came back to work today (three days later) to find my inbox filled AGAIN with reply-to-all responses to the original email, as well as additional "do not reply to all" responses. I was hoping this would flame out, but it might not. I may have to set up a filter to delete them all, or important emails might get buried in all this junk.]

[Another update: You can disable the "Reply to All" functionality from any email you send to a group with Outlook (although it only works if the recipient is also using Outlook) by doing this.]

[Yet another update: For all my rage against the "repliers-to-all" the entire fiasco could have been avoided entirely by the sender (without using the aforementioned Outlook fix). When sending to a group of people, put all their addresses in the BCC field. This way, they cannot "reply to all." That act alone will stop your replies from filling everyone's inbox like a pack of tribbles.]

Semi-useless Information Part 1 (Random Sagacity)

I will be turning thirty-three in a couple of weeks. Since I am staring down a third of a century I have been asking myself if I am as wise as knowledgeable as I ought to be at thirty-three. Sure, I am a member of Mensa, but that means I am intelligent, not knowledgeable. An intelligent person may never go to school. He will be bright and able to learn, and he will have a quick wit. But, without education and experience, he will never be knowledgeable.

So, I have been reviewing the list of things I know that probably ought to be known by a man of my age. So far, I'm not very impressed with the list, but I keep thinking of new things, so I'll probably keep adding them to the list as they come to me. My friends say I know a lot of useless information. I'll give them that. I have amassed quite the storehouse of trivia in my hat rack. I know things like the capital of Mongolia (Ulaanbaatar) and the 314th digit of π (six). But what I'm hoping is that some of it isn't truly useless or trivial, but at least sort of practical, Therefore, I share this list with you now, that you may bask in my sagacity: In no particular order:

• There are TWO servings in a package of ramen noodles
• ALWAYS get the good windshield wipers
• There are few absolutes and even fewer things that can truly be called "common sense"
• People don't want to know that they sound stupid, so don't correct them
• Parents know more than you think they do
• YOU know less
• Marijuana might make you feel good, but it makes you look stupid
• The same goes for alcohol
• The world does not revolve around me
• It doesn't revolve around you, either
• 40% of all sick days are on Monday or Friday
• Love that is not unconditional is not really love
• The more you multitask, the worse you are at it
• Lock up your bicycle before you leave it unattended
• Most car accidents happen within 20 miles of home
• Most people don't drive further than 20 miles from home
• That's a range of about 1257 square miles
• NEVER take the insurance when playing blackjack
• Squeezing the air out of a two-liter bottle of soda will help it keep its fizz longer
• Vice Presidents should be seen, not heard (and should NEVER be asked to spell)
• Whether you call them "French fries," "freedom fries," "chips," or "pomme frites," they taste best when smothered in cheese curds and gravy
• The biggest obstacle to realizing my dreams is myself
• The next biggest obstacle is reality
• If you get your wife mad enough, she won't even let you give up and give her what she wants
• So, you might as well give it to her in the first place
• "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
• God doesn't want us only to call on Him when we are troubled—but He still wants us to call on Him when we are troubled
• Most people like to think of themselves as the shepherd when in reality they are the sheep
• You CAN give blood if you've recently taken Aspirin
• You CANNOT use client-side image maps on MySpace because MySpace strips out the hash
• It's tough to argue with someone who's made up their mind and yours.
• Knowledge is informed prejudice. Learning will destroy previous prejudice only to replace it with a newer, less objectionable prejudice. One must be willing to let go of what he thinks he knows to acquire new knowledge, which itself is not so precious that it cannot be let go as well for a more valuable knowledge.
• A wise man is able to see the differece between his ideals and his actions; a brilliant man is able to reconcile that difference.

That's a good start, but I really think I've learned more than that in thirty-three years. I'm sure more will come to me.

Just a Thought

Remember when George Lucas made the Special Editions of the original Star Wars films? Lots of people thought that they were cool, but there was a certain segment of die hard purist Star Wars fans that thought altering the original films was sacrilege. Pay no mind to the fact that it was the very creator and mastermind of Star Wars himself making the changes that he wanted to make. No, Star Wars was what they thought it was and not even George Lucas could be found infallible if he tampered with their sacred canon.

Now, consider the following situation. Someone is letting you live rent free in a decent place. They are paying all of your utilities. Cable bill? Don't worry about it. Phone? No worries there either. Security? They've got you covered. The place is furnished and they let you come and go, any time you wish, day or night.

Now consider this. They own the place and your are there at their pleasure. Say they don't want to pay for the deluxe cable package any more. They're going to cut out Showtime to save a few bucks. The feng shui of the place is out of wack and they need to move the couch by the window and the TV closer to the cable jack. The phone is leaving the end table and getting mounted on the wall so you don't trip over the cord. It's all their stuff, so they can pretty much do what they want with it right?

You, however, have a fit. You liked the TV where it was. You liked the couch where it was. You don't want to get up to answer the phone. And how are you going to watch Californication now? So, you rant, you rave, you complain to all your friends. Who's the jerk here, freeloading you or your fickle benefactor?

Now, I know that Facebook has a reputation for moving everything around just when you get used to where they moved it the last time, but why do people complain when they do? Facebook is free and does so much for you. How else would you have discovered your love of pretend farming or your talent for virtual organized crime? How else would you have reconnected with that awkwardly shy guy that sat behind you in your high school trig class? How else would you find out that the girl who broke your heart fifteen years ago has now gotten fat? And who could you poke all day with impunity? No one asked you to take advantage of all this stuff that Facebook brings you and most of it is at no cost to you. Get over yourself, people. Much like George Lucas has every right to do whatever he wants with his films, Facebook pays for all of this and if they want to put your notifications in the other corner they should have the right to do so without 350 million people whining about it.

Here I am, getting all preachy and condescending again. My bad.