A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...
- and a bird in a bucket is the value of them all.
A rising tide lifts all boats...
- which is bad news if you are a submarine.
A word to the wise is enough...
- and a word to the foolish is futile.
An army marches on its stomach...
- but they'd probably stand up if you'd stop shooting at them.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...
- so if you use the metric system you're out of luck either way.
Any publicity is good publicity...
- unless you're a spy or in the Witness Protection Program.
- which explains Britney Spears.
Behind every great man there is a great woman...
- going, “nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.”
- with a list of chores to do around the house.
- telling him what he's doing wrong.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you...
- unless that hand hits you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, then it's fair game.
- unless it's covered in barbecue sauce—I mean, what did they expect?
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die...
- but just in case, put it on your friend's tab.
Faith will move mountains...
- to move anything else, call your brother-in-law.
Hindsight is 20/20...
- which is why I always drive in reverse.
If life gives you lemons...
- ask for a gift receipt.
It goes without saying...
- so shut your yap!
Life's not all beer and Skittles®...
- and that's why I'm so sad.
Lightening never strikes twice in the same place...
- which is also a characteristic of good baseball pitchers and poor bowlers.
- so the safest place to stand in a storm is on the corpse of someone who was struck.
Marriages are made in heaven...
- and heaven is lit with tons of neon and full of Elvis impersonators, blackjack dealers and strippers.
Nature abhors a vacuum...
- as do pets and babies.
- and that's why it's covered in dirt.
No man can serve two masters...
- because polygamy is illegal.
The best things in life are free...
- because a free plasma screen is better than one you have to pay for.
The early bird gets the worm...
- so it pays to sleep in if you're the worm.
- but unless that bird comes with a side of coleslaw, I don't care.
There's no such thing as a free lunch...
- but in Vegas one can be had for 99 cents!
There's safety in numbers...
- which is why you never see decimal points in the obituaries.
Time is a great healer & time is money...
- so money is a great healer.
Two heads are better than one...
- say Siamese twins.
Two wrongs don't make a right...
- but three lefts do!
Where there's a will there's a way...
- and a crowd of would-be heirs.
Work expands so as to fill the time available...
- so rush through your work and go home early.
You are what you eat...
- especially if you're a cannibal.
- so eat a millionaire.
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