In my quest to sum up the wisdom of my many years, I've been thinking about some well-known proverbs and the deeper meanings behind them. So, what follows are ageless pearls of wisdom elaborated upon by my aging intellect.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...
- and a bird in a bucket is the value of them all.
A rising tide lifts all boats...
- which is bad news if you are a submarine.
A word to the wise is enough...
- and a word to the foolish is futile.
An army marches on its stomach...
- but they'd probably stand up if you'd stop shooting at them.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...
- so if you use the metric system you're out of luck either way.
Any publicity is good publicity...
- unless you're a spy or in the Witness Protection Program.
- which explains Britney Spears.
Behind every great man there is a great woman...
- going, “nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.”
- with a list of chores to do around the house.
- telling him what he's doing wrong.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you...
- unless that hand hits you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, then it's fair game.
- unless it's covered in barbecue sauce—I mean, what did they expect?
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die...
- but just in case, put it on your friend's tab.
Faith will move mountains...
- to move anything else, call your brother-in-law.
Hindsight is 20/20...
- which is why I always drive in reverse.
If life gives you lemons...
It goes without saying...
Life's not all beer and Skittles®...
- and that's why I'm so sad.
Lightening never strikes twice in the same place...
- which is also a characteristic of good baseball pitchers and poor bowlers.
- so the safest place to stand in a storm is on the corpse of someone who was struck.
Marriages are made in heaven...
- and heaven is lit with tons of neon and full of Elvis impersonators, blackjack dealers and strippers.
Nature abhors a vacuum...
- as do pets and babies.
- and that's why it's covered in dirt.
No man can serve two masters...
- because polygamy is illegal.
The best things in life are free...
- because a free plasma screen is better than one you have to pay for.
The early bird gets the worm...
- so it pays to sleep in if you're the worm.
- but unless that bird comes with a side of coleslaw, I don't care.
There's no such thing as a free lunch...
- but in Vegas one can be had for 99 cents!
There's safety in numbers...
- which is why you never see decimal points in the obituaries.
Time is a great healer & time is money...
- so money is a great healer.
Two heads are better than one...
Two wrongs don't make a right...
Where there's a will there's a way...
- and a crowd of would-be heirs.
Work expands so as to fill the time available...
- so rush through your work and go home early.
You are what you eat...
- especially if you're a cannibal.
- so eat a millionaire.
I will be turning thirty-three in a couple of weeks. Since I am staring down a third of a century I have been asking myself if I am as wise as knowledgeable as I ought to be at thirty-three. Sure, I am a member of Mensa, but that means I am intelligent, not knowledgeable. An intelligent person may never go to school. He will be bright and able to learn, and he will have a quick wit. But, without education and experience, he will never be knowledgeable.So, I have been reviewing the list of things I know that probably ought to be known by a man of my age. So far, I'm not very impressed with the list, but I keep thinking of new things, so I'll probably keep adding them to the list as they come to me. My friends say I know a lot of useless information. I'll give them that. I have amassed quite the storehouse of trivia in my hat rack. I know things like the capital of Mongolia (Ulaanbaatar) and the 314th digit of π (six). But what I'm hoping is that some of it isn't truly useless or trivial, but at least sort of practical, Therefore, I share this list with you now, that you may bask in my sagacity: In no particular order:
- There are TWO servings in a package of ramen noodles
- ALWAYS get the good windshield wipers
- There are few absolutes and even fewer things that can truly be called "common sense"
- People don't want to know that they sound stupid, so don't correct them
- Parents know more than you think they do
- YOU know less
- Marijuana might make you feel good, but it makes you look stupid
- The same goes for alcohol
- The world does not revolve around me
- It doesn't revolve around you, either
- 40% of all sick days are on Monday or Friday
- Love that is not unconditional is not really love
- The more you multitask, the worse you are at it
- Lock up your bicycle before you leave it unattended
- Most car accidents happen within 20 miles of home
- Most people don't drive further than 20 miles from home
- That's a range of about 1257 square miles
- NEVER take the insurance when playing blackjack
- Squeezing the air out of a two-liter bottle of soda will help it keep its fizz longer
- Vice Presidents should be seen, not heard (and should NEVER be asked to spell)
- Whether you call them "French fries," "freedom fries," "chips," or "pomme frites," they taste best when smothered in cheese curds and gravy
- The biggest obstacle to realizing my dreams is myself
- The next biggest obstacle is reality
- If you get your wife mad enough, she won't even let you give up and give her what she wants
- So, you might as well give it to her in the first place
- "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
- God doesn't want us only to call on Him when we are troubled—but He still wants us to call on Him when we are troubled
- Most people like to think of themselves as the shepherd when in reality they are the sheep
- You CAN give blood if you've recently taken Aspirin
- You CANNOT use client-side image maps on MySpace because MySpace strips out the hash
- It's tough to argue with someone who's made up their mind and yours.
- Knowledge is informed prejudice. Learning will destroy previous prejudice only to replace it with a newer, less objectionable prejudice. One must be willing to let go of what he thinks he knows to acquire new knowledge, which itself is not so precious that it cannot be let go as well for a more valuable knowledge.
- A wise man is able to see the differece between his ideals and his actions; a brilliant man is able to reconcile that difference.
That's a good start, but I really think I've learned more than that in thirty-three years. I'm sure more will come to me.
